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Department of Homeland Security
The United States Department of Homeland Security (DHS), commonly known as Homeland Security or HomeSec, is a Cabinet department of the Federal Government of the United States that is responsible for protecting the territory of the United States from attack by terrorists or gay marriage. It charged with responding to natural-disaster photo opportunities. Because it's the only Cabinet department created by George W. Bush, this is the most Godly of all non-Rumsfeld Cabinet departments in the United States Government. Responsibility The department was created from 42 existing federal agencies, church groups, and Republican campaign committees in response to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 and terrifying inroads by gay marriage. Whereas the Department of Defense is charged with military actions abroad, the Department of Homeland Security works in the civilian sphere to protect the United States within, at, and outside its borders except when there aren't any fences to tell them where the border is. The Department's overriding goal is to prepare for and document domestic emergency photo opportunities, and to organize prayer circles for the brave victims of natural and man-made disasters. Balance terror and comfort DHS is charged with striking a careful balance among the True Americans between cowering fright and joyful optimism. It's especially important in even-numbered years for a month or two before the first Tuesday in November to stoke up fears just a bit so that voters citizens don't become too complacent about the dangers that beset them from all sides, but especially from the left. Size (It's really big!) Even though it's a new department, DHS is already the third-largest bureacracy in DC. This is Bill Clinton's fault. He made the government too big by collecting huge budget surpluses. This was not good for the economy because all that extra money was just sitting in banks collecting interest instead of being spent at Wal-Mart and Halliburton. It had to be spent somewhere. Clinton also refused to build a wall to protect the District from hoards of illegal migrant bureaucrats, Arabian-Horse Association officials, GOP campaign contributors, and church voter registrars who flooded the city looking for government jobs. Effectiveness See also: GOP Blame Game The Department of Homeland Security has been dogged by persistent criticism in the liberal media for "excessive bureaucracy" and "ineffectiveness". This is, of course, the whole point of the organization. In keeping with GOP small-government philosophy, DHS provides a place to dump bureaucrats who might otherwise do something and ask for tax increases. Organization Directorates * Under Secretary for Photo-Ops ** Chief Photographer ** Chief Videographer ** Assistant Secretary for Set Decoration ** Assistant Secretary for Fox News Coordination ** Assistant Secretary for Cyber-Blogging & Telecommunications ** U.S. Fire Administration *** Pilot, Brush-Fire High-Angle Shots *** Videographer, Brush-Fire High-Angle Shots ** Center for Faith-Based and Community Initiatives * Under Secretary for Faith & Technology ** Director of the Office of Revelations, Programs & Requirements ** Director of the Homeland Security Advanced Biblical Projects Agency ** Director of the Office of Hymns & Anthems * Under Secretary for Management ** Chief Administrative Services Officer ** Chief Financial Preacher/Director of Tithing ** Chief Human Capital Preacher ** Chief Information Preacher ** Chief Procurement Minister ** Chief Security Officer * Under Secretary for Fashion and Color-Coordination * Under Secretary for Federal Emergency Photo Ops (FEMA) ** Deputy Director of FEMA *** Assistant Deputy Director for PowerPoint Flow-Charts *** Assistant Deputy Director for Visio Flow-Charts *** Assistant Deputy Director for Open-Source Flow-Charts ** General Counsel ** Director of Operations *** Deputy Director of Operations ****Assistant Director of Operations *****Deputy Assistant Director of Operations ******Assistant Deputy Director of Operations ** Operator of Directions *** Deputy Operator of Directions ****Assistant Operator of Directions ** Coordinator, Office of Directional Operations ** Coordinator, Office of Operational Directions ** Director of Response ** Director of Emergency Prayer *** Deputy Director of Emergency Prayer ****Assistant Director of Emergency Prayer ** Director of Thanks-Giving ** Director of the Boot-Straps Division/Federal Insurance Administrator ** Director, Office of Special Rights ** Chief Information Chaplain ** Director of Strategic Prayer & Evaluation ** Deputy Director for Gulf Coast Blame Games ** Regional Preachers * Assistant Secretary for Prayer ** Deputy Assistant Secretary, Office of Prayer Development ** Assistant Secretary, Office of non-Christian/unGodly Affairs ** Assistant Secretary, Office of the Military-Industrial Complex ** Assistant Secretary, Office of Strategic Revelations ** Director, Office of Immigration Wikiality ** Special Advisor, Asylum & Refugee Affairs * Assistant Secretary, Office of Revelation and Exegesis/Chief Intelligence Officer * Director, Office of Operations Coordination ** Coordinator, Directorate of Coordinating Outfits * Director, Office of Counternarcotics TV Spots * Director, Office of Domestic Nuclear Disaster Films ** Technical Advisor, 24 on Fox ** Technical Advisor, Jericho on CBS ** Special Advisor, Short-Form Disaster Films (RNCC) * Director, Office of Marriage Protection ** General Counsel ** Chaplain ** Director of Operations/RNCC *** Deputy Director of Operations ****Assistant Director of Operations *****Deputy Assistant Director of Operations ******Assistant Deputy Director of Operations ** Operator of Directions/Focus on Family *** Deputy Operator of Directions ****Assistant Operator of Directions ** Coordinator, Office of Directional Operations ** Coordinator, Office of Operational Directions Major Agencies * Assistant Secretary for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement * Assistant Secretary for the Transportation Security Administration * Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection * Director of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services * Director of the United States Secret Service * Director of the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center * Commandant of the United States Coast Guard Color Wheels The first DHS Secretary, former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge, created a color-coded warning system that was mocked by gaylamofascists and the liberal media. The chunky and nerdy Ridge was replaced by hunky Michael Chertoff who sports a stylish bald pate. Chertoff recognized that the warning system was graphically challenged. He asked Isaac Mizrahi to help him out. Mizrahi had only recently been hired by Chertoff for the newly created post of Coordinator, Directorate of Coordinating Outfits. Notes